Groundhog Day

Before I got married, I thought “wow, if I were only married and had a place *of my own*, I could really blog a lot.”

Then I thought, “wow, if I were only pregnant, I could really blog a lot about being pregnant.”

Then it was, “wow, once the baby is here I can really blog a lot a bout being a parent.”

and now I sit down with a moment of quiet, open my blog – which I have rebranded to literally be about my life as a parent – and I go… what the @)$(*%& do I blog about?

I used to DO STUFF. I had a list of 101 things to do in 1001 days and I’d just.. you know.. do it (or not, I actually wasn’t very successful at them but they were fun). Now I struggle to get out on most days because the anxiety of managing two small kids is really overwhelming to me.

I’ve recently been cleaning up my Pinterest account and I see so many blog posts that I spent a lot of time and care writing, and I think.. wow, I used to THINK STUFF. Now, I feel like my brain is nonstop fried and I’m running on mental empty all day long.

I spend my days wiping the same butts. Putting the same toys away. Shifting the same pile of laundry from my bed to the chair in my room. Loading or unloading the same dishes.

Last night as I held Georgia at 2 am (bottom molars), I gently kissed her little forehead and said “I am so thankful for this, for you, for now.” I do miss sleeping through the night, but I never regret being the main source of comfort for two beautiful girls. I told Madeleine today before nap, “I can’t believe I get to be your mama.” It’s all so wonderful and amazing while also being soul crushing and completely draining.

I am both overwhelmed by a love that brings me to my knees and an exhaustion that gets me to fall asleep in that position. They are everything – and nothing – I could have ever imagined, and I am still learning.

Something I spent a lot of time doing on my old blog was decluttering, and I think it’s time I do that. or just.. something. I don’t know. It feels like I’m treading water and my arms are starting to get tired.

That’s it. Trying to figure life out, like I was 7 years ago… just with less time, less quiet, less spontaneity.

But look at these kids. WORTH IT.